Jimmy Carter Walks Into A Bar (RIP)
Jimmy Carter just died. He seemed like a good guy, from my limited knowledge. I know he had a reputation for having a great post-presidency, but there was something so nondescript about him that seemed funny to me. Here’s a dumb sketch I wrote about him a decade ago that I never shared. It was just sitting on my desktop, but now I’m sharing it so it can hopefully find its way into the Carter Presidential Library.
JIMMY CARTER WALKS INTO A BAR
INT. BAR - NIGHT
BARTENDER cleans a glass, while BARFLIES drink beer. JIMMY CARTER, dignified, enters with a SECRET SERVICE AIDE.
JIMMY CARTER: Hi. Jimmy Carter.
He extends his hand. Bartender shakes it.
BARTENDER: What can I get for ya, Jimmy?
JIMMY CARTER: Club soda sounds awfully nice.
Jimmy Carter smiles proudly. Bartender fills the soda. He slides it to Jimmy Carter.
BARTENDER: That’ll be $4.
Jimmy Carter looks surprised. He pats his pockets and looks at his Aide, who pulls out a card.
BARTENDER: Oh, cash only.
Jimmy Carter and Aide look at each other.
BARTENDER: There’s an ATM six blocks down.
Jimmy Carter looks flustered. Aide searches his pockets, but can’t find cash. Bartender goes back to cleaning a glass.
JIMMY CARTER: You know, I’m, I’m Jimmy Carter.
BARTENDER: Oh! Oh! I’m sorry.
Jimmy Carter looks relieved.
BARTENDER: I’m Greg. Nice to meet you.
JIMMY CARTER: No. No, I mean, I’m Jimmy Carter.
BARTENDER: You’re sayin’ that like I should know.
JIMMY CARTER: It’s. It’s just—fine, forget it.
Aide finds a crumpled $5 bill in his coat pocket. He gives it to Bartender.
BARTENDER: Okay, thank you. Nice to meet you, Jamie.
JIMMY CARTER: Jimmy! I’m, I’m sorry. I’m Jimmy Carter!
Barfly and Barfly #2 look up from their conversation.
BARFLY: Greg. What’s this guy saying?
BARTENDER: He keeps saying he’s Jimmy Carter.
BARFLY: Well, I’m Doug Sherman. You don’t see me yelling about it.
BARTENDER: And that’s what makes you Doug Sherman!
(to Jimmy Carter)
Did you used to work here or something?
JIMMY CARTER: No, I didn’t work here! I was the President! I’m Jimmy Carter, I was the President!
BARFLY: Of what?
JIMMY CARTER: America. I was the president.
BARFLY #2: No, you weren’t.
BARFLY: You’re not Obama.
JIMMY CARTER: No! No, I’m not Obama. I was President way before Obama.
BARFLY: When were you President?
Jimmy Carter looks at his Aide in disbelief. Aide shrugs.
AIDE: (quietly) It was before I was born, Boss.
JIMMY CARTER: I, I was—1976-1980!
BARFLY: That’s not very long.
JIMMY CARTER: I, I wanted to be President longer.
BARFLY #2: What happened?
JIMMY CARTER: I lost to Ronald Reagan
Everyone lights up.
BARFLY: Oh, Reagan!
BARTENDER: I love Ronald Reagan!
BARFLY #2: He was the President!!!
Jimmy Carter looks sad. A beat.
BARFLY: I was Reagan was here.
BARTENDER: Me too, Doug.
Everyone murmurs in agreement.
JIMMY CARTER: How does no one remember me?
BARTENDER: Look, we can’t remember everyone. And you’re not on the Wall of Fame.
Bartender points to the bar’s "Wall of Fame." It has two framed pictures: one of Ronald Reagan and one of Doug, the Barfly.
JIMMY CARTER: What? There’s only two people on that wall! One’s not even famous!
BARTENDER: Are you insulting my wall?
BAR REGULAR: It’s a nice wall, Greg.
BARTENDER: Thank you, Doug.
Bartender smiles at the "Doug" poster, then glares at Jimmy Carter, as if to say, "You’re on thin ice, Jimmy Carter."
BARFLY #2: Hang on, lemme check this guy.
Barfly #2 pulls out his phone.
BARFLY #2: Whadju say again? Jesse?
JIMMY CARTER: Jimmy!
BARTENDER: Jimmy Carter, Al.
(to Jimmy Carter)
See? I listen. Even to liars.
Jimmy Carter looks sad. Barfly #2 searches his phone.
BARFLY #2: Hang on. We might have something.
He holds up his phone toward Jimmy Carter’s face.
BARFLY #2: Looks like a match. Says here, "Jimmy Carter. 39th President of the United States of America.”
Jimmy Carter looks relieved. Everyone in the bar looks at each other, murmuring and nodding.
BARTENDER: Hey, uh. I’m, I’m sorry, Mr. President.
Jimmy Carter smiles, relieved.
JIMMY CARTER: It’s okay, son.
They shake hands.
BARTENDER: Hey, let me get you a drink, on me.
Jimmy Carter smiles as Bartender makes him a drink. Barfly looks over at Barfly #2’s phone.
BARFLY: Hey, are you readin’ that from Wikipedia?
BARFLY #2: Yeah. Why?
BARFLY: Anyone can edit that!
Everyone gasps and murmurs in agreement. Barfly looks him up and down.
BARFLY: He’s a liar.
BARTENDER: Great point, Doug.
Bartender slides Barfly the drink he was about to hand to Jimmy Carter.
BARTENDER: That’s why Doug’s on the Wall!
JIMMY CARTER: That’s, that’s just one website. Check a government site. Look it up right now.
BARFLY: Like I’d trust the government to tell me who’s president!
JIMMY CARTER: What?!
BARFLY: Go home, old man!
BARFLY #2: We hate you!
Barfly #3 stands up.
BARFLY #3: Wait, guys. Damn, I know you somehow…
Jimmy Carter looks hopeful.
BARFLY #3: Were you in Bedtime for Bonzo?
Jimmy Carter hangs his head.
JIMMY CARTER: No… That was Reagan.
Everyone lights up.
BARFLY: Hey, Reagan!
BARTENDER: El Presidente!!!
BARFLY #2: Bon-ZOOOO!!!
Jimmy Carter looks sad. Everyone in the bar starts a slow chant.
EVERYONE: Rea-gan! Rea-gan! Rea-gan! REA-GAN!
Aide joins the chant. Jimmy Carter sips his soda.
END.
—
Rest in peace, Jimmy Carter. You were a president.